This would be my second written online entry regarding Michael Jackson's passing and the many things that have followed. The first can be read here: [link]

This has certainly been a very moving experience for me. Many may remember the world has recently lost other well known people prior to Michael. Bernie Mack, George Carlin, Issac Hayes and many others I have not even mentioned. Strangely enough I had a thought not a few weeks before June 25th of this year. I thought to myself about how some of the celebrity deaths have really hit some people hard to the point of tears. As much as I respected many of those people, I had never really felt a heavy feeling in my heart during their passing.

Sure, it was upsetting and saddening. But, when I thought about if there was anyone who actually would cause me real pain to see go all of a sudden, the first person who came to mind was Michael. I knew at that moment I would not likely be ready for that. But, like many I felt that would not likely happen. Many others have told me that MJ almost seemed immortal. And even though he is in many ways, we do still understand he is a man when it all comes down to it and will eventually meet the same fate as the rest of us.

It just wasn't a reality I was too interested in accepting. Oddly enough it would come to pass not long afterward anyway. The first few hours I was silent. Just silent. The new almost felt like a hoax. Some joke that just wasn't funny. Then I started working on the layout. I was listening to "The Lost Children" and I cried. It hurt...but not as much as it would later.

I woke up the next day and called off work. I felt no reason to go. Fuck work. In the car with my friends almost right when I woke up. Didn't get much sleep so woke up sluggish. No energy for fighting. The radio was playing "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough". I just sat in the back seat with my eyes closed. One of his most upbeat songs ever mad me sad. Another MJ hit followed and then one friend put HIStory Disc 2 in the CD player. She went straight to "Stranger In Moscow". The song gets to the chorus and Michael asks the one question I didn't want to answer: "How does it feel?"

To hear him ask such a thing in the heavenly tone that was always his was chilling but even more just painful. I never shed so many tears for someone I never even met. And it happened at least 3 times that day altogether.

I went to work the next day just because I couldn't afford not to and nearly cried on the phone with a customer. I had to use every little bit of strength I had left to keep from doing just that. I cried more on my break and finished the day. I cried writing that first blog and just haven't felt quite like me since. Like many others out there, MJ was a big part of my since childhood. I remember when I was 5[1990] he still had videos from the Bad album being played on TV. I can at least remember that far back being a fan. When he died, that part of my childhood may as well have went with him[along with that of many others too I'm sure].

The only therapeutic solutions I seem to find effective are buying numerous posters[at least 11 or 12], every Collector's Edition/Tribute Issue magazine I see, making various MJ related graphics in Photoshop[wallpapers, etc.], and of course listening to almost nothing but his music ever since the 25th. My pockets hurt from it all but I don't even care. I really don't. I just want to see him anyway I can. He should still be here. That's it. He should just still be here.

At least it feels better after I write. -_-

-CoryCow